Want to See You, But Afraid to Tell You

Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to see them, but couldn’t bring yourself to tell them? You pick up the phone, open their chat box, and want to ask, “Are you okay?” But then you hastily delete it. You want to call them, but when you dial, you quickly hang up. After much hesitation, you end up just holding your head and crying.

We promised not to see each other after breaking up, but now I miss you and can’t help but think of you. I can’t bring myself to erase you from my memory. Please forgive me for breaking my promise. We said we wouldn’t be sad after the breakup, but I can’t help it.

I can’t bring myself to delete you or block you. I’m afraid that once I delete you, I won’t have the courage to add you back. Even though I can’t contact you, at least I can talk to myself in the chat box.

I admit that I’m not a strong person. I can’t forget you or erase you from my memory. I want to see you and hold you tightly.

They say breaking up is normal, but I feel like I’ve been through a life-and-death ordeal. I want to see you, but I can’t tell you. That day, I secretly went to the location you posted in your friend circle, hoping to see you. Luckily, I did see you, but it was cruel. You were holding someone else’s hand so naturally and tenderly, as if I never existed.

I quietly shed tears in the corner, but I didn’t dare cry out loud for fear of being discovered by you. I was afraid you would mock me and say, “You’re really pathetic. We agreed not to see each other after breaking up because there’s no love anymore. It’s meaningless to see each other again.”

Do you remember the day I begged you not to leave, and you resolutely pushed away my pleading hands?

I know I’ve lost my dignity and sense of self in this love, but I can’t help but see you, even though I’m afraid to disturb you. Every time after seeing you, I scold myself for being weak and always tell myself that it’s the last time.

There’s nothing in the room that belongs to you, but it feels like I can still see your shadow and smell your scent. I can’t bear to throw away the quilt we used together. I always feel warm when it’s covering me, as if it’s the feeling of being held by you. I always have sweet dreams.

Even though I’ve let go many times, I always end up picking it back up without any dignity.

I put up many notes in the room to remind myself to forget you and pull myself together, but they have become the reasons why I can’t let go of you.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to forget you. The more I restrain myself from seeing you, the more I can’t control myself.

So, I had a sudden idea. I decided to forget you in a different way.

I started going to the places you pass by every week, waiting for you. No matter what the result is, I told myself that this was my mission and I had to complete it.

At first, I was always excited and thrilled, but I reminded myself that I must not let you find out and must not disturb you. This went on for less than three months, and I unexpectedly grew tired of seeing you. I’m busy with work every day and have to sit on the train for hours to see you. I suddenly realized that when I went to see you, I no longer felt anticipation. Instead, I slept in the car and slept soundly.

Gradually, I found that I was no longer so determined to see you. What I became obsessed with was the journey to see you, the train ride that made me sleep so soundly.

On a sunny morning, I threw away the quilt I used to hold every day and bid farewell to my childish self.

I have asked myself more than once, have I forgotten you? Do I not love you anymore? Do I not want to see you anymore? The answer is no.

I just choose not to sneak around anymore. I plan to see you openly in my dreams and say loudly to you, “Wait for me, I’ll be there in a moment.”

You always used to say, “Okay.” Since then, I no longer crave to find you or see you, because in my dreams, there’s someone who will never abandon me and will always be with me. Until one day, I meet someone who is willing to protect me like you did.

I want to see you, but I’m afraid to tell you, my deeply loved one. Farewell, let’s meet again in our dreams and say loudly, “I’m here!” and you’ll smile and say, “I’m waiting for you!”

Some love is destined to be in the past. If you miss the timing, don’t linger. Let yourself go and let it become a sweet memory in your heart and dreams. That’s good! Love is not a reason or excuse to entangle or disturb someone, so I’ll keep you in my dreams, never belonging to anyone else, only to me, for a lifetime!