Understanding the Sunk Cost in Love

Leveraging Sunk Costs for Better Relationships

In emotional reality shows, there’s a common phenomenon: knowing that you’re not happy in a relationship, you’re dissatisfied with many aspects of your partner, but you’re reluctant to break up. Do you still love them? No, you might even dislike them.

So, what psychology makes a person reluctant to let go of a bad relationship? They might say, “After so many years, I’ve invested so much emotion, time, energy, and even money. If we break up now, it will all be for nothing.”

1. Fallacy of Sunk Cost

Not wanting to see all your past efforts go to waste, even if you don’t love them anymore, even if you’re hurting each other, even if there’s no future, you still hold on. This phenomenon not only happens in relationships, but also in any decision-making.

When deciding whether to continue something, we consider not only its pros and cons but also how much we’ve invested in it. In decision-making theory, this is called the fallacy of sunk cost.

So, what is a sunk cost?

Sunk cost is an economic concept, referring to costs that have been incurred and cannot be recovered. It can be money, time, energy, emotional investment, and so on.

The greater the sunk cost in something, the more irrational a person becomes when considering whether to persist, and the more likely the “fallacy of sunk cost” occurs.

2. Allowing Sunk Cost to Affect Decisions Means Giving Up New Opportunities

Here’s a simple life example:

I’ve saved up to buy a pair of expensive leather shoes, but after wearing them for just one day, I find them uncomfortable and they hurt my feet. My rational mind tells me not to wear them again, but I’ve spent so much money on them, so I can’t waste it. Therefore, I endure the pain and continue wearing them.

This is similar to the relationship dilemma mentioned earlier. Just because of the unwillingness to let go of sunk costs, we’d rather continue suffering.

By refusing to give up an unsuitable relationship, we miss out on the opportunity for a new and better love, which is the biggest loss.

3. Adopting the Right Attitude

1. Stop considering sunk costs and adjust your mindset.

Sunk costs are like spilled water; they cannot be recovered. Since it’s impossible to get them back, control yourself not to dwell on them.

Adjust your mindset. If you’ve loved before, don’t regret it. All your past efforts were made out of love, without expecting anything in return. As long as you were at peace and happy when you made those efforts, it’s already worthwhile. Even if it didn’t work out in the end, you’ve experienced, grown, and matured through the process, and that’s the gain.

Going back to the shoe example. Since the money is already spent, whether I wear the shoes or not, the money won’t come back. If I insist on wearing them, it will only make my feet continue to suffer, and I might even spend more money to salvage my health. Even if the sunk cost is high, it’s best to stop in time, at least not to incur further losses.

2. Analyze the pros and cons of the present and the future, and make rational decisions.

When making decisions, focus on the present and the future, not the past. Consider whether continuing this matter is beneficial for you now and in the future.

There’s a method to try, like the shoe example. I can pretend that the shoes were given to me for free and decide whether to continue wearing them based on this assumption.

In the context of love, if you’re unsure whether to continue, consider this: If you had no previous relationship, would you still want to date this person?

As you can see, once you stop caring about sunk costs, decision-making becomes very simple and clear.

4. Making Reasonable Use of Sunk Costs

Since most people find it difficult not to be influenced by sunk costs, we can also appropriately utilize this principle in relationships to better manage them.

You can allow or guide your partner to invest some time, energy, emotions, money, etc., in this relationship. When your partner faces other temptations and wavers in this relationship, they might consider the sunk costs they’ve paid and hesitate.

In love, understanding and using the concept of the fallacy of sunk cost can help make wise choices when in doubt.