The Greatest Hurt in a Relationship is not Losing, but Destroying Confidence
Understanding Emotional Trauma: Restoring Confidence After Betrayal in Relationships
Waking up from a dream, I tried to go back to sleep, but it was futile. Finally admitting defeat, I checked my phone and saw it was 2 am.
Insomnia at such a brain-burning stage was untimely. I commanded myself to sleep quickly, not wanting to waste the day feeling unproductive and watching time slip away.
I remembered the dream I just had. The story was long and I forgot most of it, but I remembered a part before waking up. It seemed like I had just experienced something intense, and as I was heading back, I suddenly noticed my right thumb joint was broken in the dream. The bone protruded from the skin like a flat, pointed fishbone. Compared to the life and death situation just now, it seemed trivial. I tried to push the bone back in, but it kept coming out. I felt uncertain and asked the person next to me, “Should I find a doctor immediately?” He said yes. He was someone I trusted, so if he said yes, then I single-mindedly wanted to find a doctor. Then, I woke up.
I don’t know if this dream has any meaning or premonition, but I really want to go back and see the outcome. I tightly wrapped the blanket around me and tried to adjust my breathing again, focusing on the tip of my nose, even starting to silently recite the Great Compassion Mantra, hoping to fall asleep. I had been suffering from insomnia for two nights in a row and was worried about my health.
When I checked the time again, it was already 4 am. Two hours had passed, consumed by random thoughts, and I felt a huge sense of guilt. I didn’t even want to spend the time to write an article for the week. Instead of lying down and letting my thoughts drift away, I might as well get up and write down everything I thought of.
It feels shameful to let everyone read about my boring dream. Everyone’s time is precious, life is short, especially since I’ve already passed the prime years, so I need to cherish the time left. Either do something meaningful for yourself and others, or do something you genuinely want to do and enjoy.
Readers should gain something from what they read. So, let’s talk about a topic I was thinking about earlier. It’s about emotions, a common issue I discovered from many reader comments.
In emotional setbacks, the biggest harm is not losing the person, but losing confidence.
We can ignore the rude remarks of strangers online and take a few days to calm down from the disharmonious voices of friends. But when facing the person in an intimate relationship, we are as fragile as a baby.
This fragility comes from the once wholehearted trust and openness. Yes, wholehearted trust, so we are also completely open.
The ugliness that will never be exposed to others, because of this trust, you have opened up to this person. Physical scars, personality flaws, and even moral blemishes, you will only let this person have the opportunity to explore.
Because of love, we trust unconditionally. Rationally, this is such a foolish logic. But that’s love. If it completely conforms to reason and logic, then it’s not love.
You foolishly treat this person as another self, saying things to them that you wouldn’t even tell your own mother. Some things, when said, are embarrassing, damaging to your image, and can put you in a bad light. But you said them to him without any reservations.
You forgot that he is not you, even though you are extremely close, he is still a different individual.
One day, when you argue, that person suddenly brings out all the ugliness you exposed to only him, and judges you with a moral ruler. This kind of stimulation is similar to bringing private matters out in public.
You have to admit that the accusations are completely valid. But you feel a piercing pain, unable to explain. This is your pitiful state.
If all this was just impulsive anger during an argument, then it would pass after making up.
But if that person despises you because of these flaws, or even stops loving you, and ultimately leaves you because of it, the pain you endure is not just about losing a person and a relationship.
You will start regretting your lack of defense, doubting the trust you gave, and truly believing that you are as ugly as that person said. So, the more you think, the more inferior you feel. Revealing true feelings and giving genuine love is so precious, yet you begin to regret and blame yourself.
Yes, objectively, your ugliness truly exists, and that person’s accusations are not wrong. But who in the world is entirely virtuous? Who has no unspeakable dirty thoughts? But this doesn’t affect our ability to appear with a positive image to society, as long as no one pulls out our bad thoughts from our minds and judges them with a moral ruler. Thoughts are just thoughts, with no inherent good or bad, right or wrong.
So why do we voluntarily expose our fearful thoughts that should be kept in our minds, giving another person the chance to grasp it? Because you are trapped in a love that limits your intelligence.
When you are wholehearted and unreserved, you simply cannot imagine that the other person will one day use your flaws against you, even as evidence that you are not good enough.
After all this talk, I wonder if it’s a bit confusing to those who haven’t experienced it. Let me give an example from an anonymous friend.
Friend, let’s call her Emily, wrote a letter expressing her feelings after a breakup. In her narrative, I found that the most hurtful thing for her was not the failure of the relationship itself, but the resulting self-doubt, self-denial, and loss of confidence.
Emily once suspected that another girl was interested in her boyfriend. Any interaction between that girl and Emily’s boyfriend, even if it was normal, made Emily jealous. Over time, Emily developed dissatisfaction and even hostility towards that girl.
Objectively, that girl did nothing to harm Emily’s interests, so Emily’s animosity towards her was unjustified. But in reality, such emotions are too common in love, and those who have experienced it understand.
The problem was that Emily told her boyfriend everything, and no matter what emotions she had, she always told her boyfriend first. Her boyfriend was always willing to help her with her troubles and provide emotional support. Emily naturally told her boyfriend about her jealousy, and even expressed her hostility through very harsh words, criticizing the girl’s appearance, behavior, and clothing, and accusing her of trying to seduce her boyfriend.
In reality, Emily didn’t blame her boyfriend at all, and she knew her boyfriend and the other girl had a completely normal relationship. She just expressed her feelings without any ulterior motives. If her boyfriend had simply reassured her with a sentence like “Don’t worry, she’s not my type,” or even said nothing, the matter would have been resolved.
But her boyfriend suddenly became rational in their emotional world. He used a moral standard to seriously and objectively evaluate Emily’s words. He believed that speaking ill of someone behind their back was very unethical, and that she had insulted the girl without cause. Can you imagine how embarrassed Emily felt? Logically, her boyfriend was not wrong, but she was genuinely aggrieved. Who could tell her where she went wrong?
Was it wrong for her to feel jealous of the other girl? Even if that feeling was wrong, its emergence was completely beyond her control! Did she err in telling her boyfriend about this feeling? She said it was because of the trust between them, and she was used to seeking comfort from him whenever she was upset. So why did he suddenly turn on her this time?
Finally, they quarreled and reached the point of breaking up, and both felt they were in the right. Breaking up is a common ending in the world of love, and it could have been faced with equanimity. But what hurt Emily the most this time was the reason for the breakup.
In her view, her boyfriend wanted to break up because he found her unkind, in other words, he thought her moral standards were low and her character was bad. What’s worse, the mere thought that the indirect reason for their breakup was the other girl made Emily even sadder. Her boyfriend chose to abandon their relationship to protect that other girl. What was once just jealousy had escalated to hatred.
I understand that this kind of denial from the closest person is enough to instantly destroy her confidence and self-acceptance.
Emily said in the letter that she felt like a terrible person, full of flaws, unworthy of love, and that no one would genuinely accept her and love her in the future. Once her flaws were discovered, everyone would leave her.
To be honest, I don’t know what kind of person Emily is in real life, and perhaps in the eyes of friends and classmates, she is a gentle and understanding girl, not as bad as she claims.
Could it be that a person who is seen as understanding and kind by everyone never has “malicious” thoughts?
As I write this, I can’t help but think of a saying: “Judge actions, not intentions. For intentions, no one is perfect. Judge intentions, not actions. Because actions are not always indicative of intentions. No one is completely filial.”
I want to give Emily this saying to make her understand that her so-called “unkindness and malice” are not real, they are just normal negative emotions in love. As long as she can use reason to control herself and not cause actual harm to others, she shouldn’t blame herself too much.
In this matter, her boyfriend also had his own issues. Perhaps he didn’t understand that the rules applicable in friendships do not necessarily apply in intimate relationships, especially when it comes to moral judgments.
There’s a saying: “Reason has no place at home.”
Intimate relationships are similar to family matters. If you always have to argue about who’s right and wrong, there will never be an end to the quarrels.
The same thing, when judged purely by logic, might escalate small matters. But when understood from an emotional perspective, it can be resolved easily.
Imagine if Emily’s boyfriend, after hearing her words, realized that she was just jealous. Why was she jealous? Because she felt threatened and afraid of losing him. As long as he made her feel secure, the issue would be resolved.
How? Simply by saying: “Don’t worry, no matter how outstanding other women are, I’m not interested in anyone else because I only have eyes for you.” One sentence could have uprooted Emily’s jealousy at its core. This small matter that ultimately led to their breakup could have been a wonderful opportunity for a love declaration.
Don’t forget, when you accuse someone of being unkind, your accusation itself may not be kind. When you accuse someone of being unkind, your accusation may not be generous.
Let’s learn and grow with our hearts, and strive to enjoy a relaxed, happy, and enduring intimate relationship.
The day has dawned, and the children have woken up. It’s time to go downstairs and make breakfast. Good morning.
