The Dilemma of Betrayal in Relationships: Why Is It So Hard to Let Go?
On a practical and objective level, what causes the difficulty in letting go after emotional betrayal?
1. Reluctance to give up existing benefits:
Betrayal, in a way, is a form of possessing a special interest relationship. This possession, though unethical, doesn’t pose much of a psychological barrier if one disregards morals. Without moral constraints, most people would not refuse betrayal because it benefits them psychologically, physically, and emotionally.
Due to these existing benefits, they are unwilling to let go and especially not willing to do so voluntarily. The end of a betrayal relationship usually only occurs in two common situations: internal division or when the losses outweigh the gains.
Betrayers often go back and forth because of this. They continue to hide and deceive, or after a period of separation, the flame reignites. They insist on keeping some form of contact, claiming they are just friends now. Ultimately, it’s about leaving a glimmer of hope or an exit strategy for themselves.
2. Fear of negative consequences from a complete end:
If you don’t know how to end something, don’t start it easily—this saying particularly applies to betrayal.
Many people are not unwilling to end it, but they have various concerns about a complete break. These concerns all boil down to fear of negative impacts on themselves like their reputation or finances. They are afraid of losing control, so they continue, leading to even more chaos.
For some third parties, they won’t accept ending things without gaining anything. They may threaten the other person in various ways. Betrayers fear the negative consequences on themselves and hope to find a foolproof plan to escape unscathed. However, this overestimation of themselves only shows their extreme selfishness. Betraying emotions, also known as “evil,” will inevitably have repercussions. In other words, choosing betrayal means eventually paying the price.
3. Fear of ruining their image:
Betrayers are skilled at crafting their image, not just their own but also the image of their relationship. They often claim to have genuine feelings for the third party because that’s the image they want to portray. Imagine what their relationship would be if they didn’t see it as real feelings…
In the betrayer’s mind, ending the betrayal relationship would make them feel guilty towards the third party. It’s hard to understand why they feel guilty towards the third party when they don’t feel any remorse towards their partner. But that’s the reality.
Betrayers often play two roles: a hero who saves the distressed and an unfortunate victim. Returning to the family and ending the betrayal would destroy the image they’ve portrayed. This is something they are reluctant to face.
Betrayers are usually very stubborn. Once they choose betrayal, even if they are wrong, they persist. They are willing to pay a huge price, create more significant harm, just to try to turn things around. For example, even in divorce, they still choose the third party. Why? Because of their stubbornness, wanting to prove that their choice was right!
For those who have experienced emotional betrayal, it’s best not to try to understand the world of the betrayer. The logic and mindset of that world are beyond your comprehension. Similarly, after betrayal occurs, communication becomes impossible precisely because of this—different values, different goals.
