The Dark Side of Love: Understanding Emotional Blackmail in Relationships
In the Name of Love: Kidnapping and Shackles
“You don’t agree with me, you don’t love me enough…”
“I work myself to death every day, all for the sake of providing for you, and this is how you treat me…”
“All of this is for your own good…”
“If you do this, I will never speak to you again…”
These slogans using “love” as a justification may be familiar to us, and we usually associate love with delicacy, care, and tenderness. However, many times, it can also become a heavy shackle, suffocating us and causing us to bleed. If these words came from a stranger, we might fight back or ignore them, but once they come from those we love and who claim to love us, we often end up feeling helpless, resentful, and forced to compromise. Then we understand that some forms of love can indeed be very burdensome.
Renowned American psychologist Susan Forward coined the term “emotional blackmail” to describe this coercive conflict that occurs in intimate relationships. Emotional blackmail refers to a powerful form of control in intimate relationships, where if we don’t comply with their demands, we will suffer. The core of all blackmail is intimidation and threat, but emotional blackmail can hit us more deeply. The “emotional blackmailer” knows that we cherish the relationship with them, knows our weaknesses, and knows the secrets deep in our hearts. Regardless of their surface care for us, if they cannot achieve certain goals, they will use this intimate relationship to force us to give in.
The escalation from general emotional conflicts to emotional blackmail usually goes through six stages: demand, resistance, pressure, threat, submission, and repetition. In different situations, blackmail may appear in one or more of the forms of abuser, self-punisher, victim, or seducer, just like the changing masks in Sichuan opera. They wear several layers of masks, trying one tactic after another, and they will not give up until they achieve their goal. Emotional blackmailers are usually self-centered, patronizing, petty, melodramatic, and resistant to setbacks. They exploit our fear of losing the relationship, our sense of responsibility towards the emotional blackmailer, and the guilt we may feel for the potential harm caused to the emotional blackmailer, creating layers of mist that obscure the true situation and leaving the victim with no escape but to compromise and fulfill the emotional blackmailer’s goals.
Of course, nothing is one-sided, and emotional blackmail is no exception. It is not a solo act, and to some extent, the victim plays a role in enabling it. Victims of emotional blackmail are usually sensitive, overly in need of validation, afraid of conflict, self-doubting, and adept at self-blame. The emotional blackmailer knows these vulnerabilities and can thus wield greater control and dominance in the intimate relationship, repeatedly achieving their own ends. Emotional blackmail further harms the victim’s self-esteem, reduces their sense of happiness, and damages their cognitive integrity, making the victim’s spirit even more fragile and perpetuating a vicious cycle.
So, how do we dispel the mist of emotional blackmail and break free from its cycle? Dr. Susan Forward suggests that we first need to change our reflexive behavior when facing emotional blackmail. When we realize we are facing emotional blackmail, we should immediately send an SOS signal to our minds: Stop, Observe, and Strategize. We need to distance ourselves from the pressure and conflict, remain calm, give ourselves ample time to think, and then devise a strategy. We also need to change the emotional response patterns that arise from erroneous beliefs. Identify which emotion triggers negative reactions—is it fear, a sense of responsibility, guilt, or a combination? Then, we need to address it accordingly. If it’s fear, we have to recognize our own worth and stop fearing others’ disapproval. If it’s a sense of responsibility, we need to seek counseling, discard outdated beliefs, free ourselves from moral constraints, and redefine the boundaries of our responsibility. If it’s guilt, we need to carefully discern whether it’s our own carelessness or insensitivity, or malicious accusations from others, and use therapeutic methods like returning the guilt, chair work, and writing fairy tales to discover the absurdity and free our spirits.
Love should be equal, inclusive, mutually supportive, rather than a shackle built on unequal relationships, with one side constantly sacrificing. Empower yourself, dare to break the curse of emotional blackmail—this is not just your responsibility, but also a responsibility to “them”!!!
