The “First Time” in a Woman’s Eyes, with a Sense of Inferiority that Has Troubled Me for a Long…

When I first talked about love with him, I thought it was easy to be with someone. Since we could be sincere and genuine, we could naturally be together with all our hearts.

I used to think it was simple, willing to love him with all my heart. Like a moth to a flame, I got hurt later on. From loving him to being hopeless and leaving him, the emotional changes were too fast.

He was concerned about my past relationships, always saying I wasn’t perfect. I also felt inferior, and eventually, we broke up.

Although we got back together later and even got married, having a child, every time I think about that past, I still feel sad. I feel guilty towards him, and even after three years of marriage, occasionally arguing still makes me feel inferior.

Back then, I loved him and could accept his small flaws. He also said he would love me well, and every time we held hands, it felt romantic. Every time we were together, it felt warm, without needing sweet talk.

But later, his attitude towards me was ambiguous, occasionally asking me weird questions. For example, “How many boyfriends have you had?” or “What did your ex look like?” or “How do we compare?”…

I didn’t know what he meant, and every time he asked those strange questions, I felt uneasy. It seemed like he had biases against me, almost like he was saying it out loud.

Before him, I indeed had a boyfriend, and I loved him deeply. He was my college classmate. We started dating soon after graduation.

We lived together, went to work separately in the morning, and reunited in the evening. Occasionally, we’d take a stroll, go shopping, watch movies together, and our feelings were very harmonious…

But later, we drifted apart, and after two and a half years, we broke up. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him; it was that he thought I wasn’t as beautiful as one of his friends. He changed his heart and didn’t want to love me anymore.

He made up many excuses, saying our families lived too far apart, and our personalities didn’t match, making our future life difficult…

I knew he didn’t love me anymore, and what could I do? Although I begged him, he was determined, and eventually, we broke up.

That was my first heartbreak, and I was heartbroken for a long time. After the breakup, I became disheartened, giving him everything, following him for two years, and in the end, he left me for someone else.

Regarding love, I had invested too much, but it wasn’t meant to be. The heartache was inevitable, and there was no way to recover.

After breaking up with my ex, I felt the biggest sorrow was losing love. But later, I realized the biggest sorrow was losing my innocence. Once lost, it was hard to face the next relationship.

However, even though that relationship failed, I didn’t think I’d be single for life. I still wanted to pursue the love I wanted, and I wanted to get married. No matter how the previous relationship went, I would marry and have children in the future.

A year after the heartbreak, I met my husband.

He was very good to me, taking care of me warmly. Although he was ordinary in many ways, his kind heart made me feel he was a reliable man.

We started as friends and later fell in love. I was willing to walk with him through life, until the end of our days.

In the first month, we just held hands simply. I thought it was easy to be with someone, just needing mutual understanding. Sometimes he even understood me better than I did. He could comfort me when I was down, and I felt he was a good man.

In the second month of our relationship, my lease was up, and he asked me to move in with him. I knew what it meant, but since we were in love, I had to listen to him. He wanted to do something, and I let him do it.

Back then, I thought loving someone was simple, just needing to give my heart. But as we were together, I gradually felt he had doubts, hiding things in his eyes, making me guess.

One evening, when he asked me how many boyfriends I had, I had a bad feeling. I said just one, but he didn’t believe me, saying there must be two or three, or maybe more, and asking me to tell the truth.

His arbitrary guessing made me feel wronged, but I couldn’t prove my words. Those were old stories, and I couldn’t ask my ex to come and vouch for me.

I could only avoid the question, trying not to make him dislike me.

I started to hate myself, wondering why I gave so much in my first relationship. Why didn’t I save it for him? He was the one willing to spend a lifetime with me, and I owed him a lot.

Later, I felt uneasy, and he often asked me who was better, him or my ex. Even asking weird questions, the more I listened, the more I felt hurt.

I was annoyed and started to feel inferior, thinking he had changed his heart. Initially, he said he didn’t care about my past, but why did he suddenly care?

He said understanding my past was truly caring for me. But I felt more and more inferior, thinking he had hidden meanings in his words. Was he thinking of someone better?

Those days, I felt uneasy, and our relationship became strained. We started arguing, and I didn’t want him to ask me those weird questions, but he kept asking.

One time, we argued, and he finally told the truth. He said no one didn’t care about their girlfriend’s past, and others didn’t dare to say it. If we didn’t put aside our biases before marriage, it would be hard to get along in the future.

I asked him, “If you cared so much, why didn’t you say it earlier? We’ve been together for over a year, and now you’re saying it, wanting to break up?”

He said, “Initially, I thought you hadn’t had a boyfriend, but after knowing, I had doubts. I wanted to ask you but was afraid of hurting you.”

That day, I cried, and he agreed to break up. He thanked me for understanding and said we could be friends…

After breaking up with my husband (then boyfriend), I hated myself even more for loving someone who didn’t take responsibility in the first place. If I hadn’t loved him, my love with my husband would have been perfect.

Later, I was single for a year, and I didn’t meet anyone suitable. Sometimes, even when I met someone, I would miss the opportunity, and I didn’t have the courage to accept.

Thinking about my conditions, if he would also dislike me in the future, it would be another sad experience.

Luckily, after a year and three months, we got back together. He said he wouldn’t hurt me again, and we would love each other well, accompanying each other for life.

I was moved, and after trying him out for half a month, we became a couple again. I was willing to fix things for him, but he said it wasn’t necessary.

After a year of getting back together, we got married, and the next year, we had a child. He was very good to me, but in my heart, I still felt guilty towards him because I knew he couldn’t forget the past. Sometimes, when we argued, he would occasionally mention my past. I couldn’t say much, and it would hurt feelings again.

I wanted to fulfill his wishes, but I couldn’t make up my mind. I was like someone with an inferiority complex, trapped by a “bias” in my heart.

I remember those college years, every time we went out, we’d receive flyers. Back then, there were many repair services, but now, it seems like that industry is disappearing, and I haven’t seen those flyers in a long time.

The future is still far away, and I don’t know when I can truly regain my confidence…