Stop Hurting Loved Ones with Violent Communication

How Nonviolent Communication Can Improve Your Relationships

What is violent communication?

Take this example: “You come home and just play on your phone. It’s like you don’t care about me at all. What’s the point of being in this relationship?!”

This is a classic example of “violent communication.” It’s filled with comments, criticisms, accusations, and complaints.

When faced with such complaints and accusations, how do most people react? Do they immediately put down their phone and try to have a calm conversation with you? No, their instinct is to put up their defenses. This usually leads to either an argument or a cold war.

You simply wanted them to spend more time with you, but you mistakenly used violent communication, which had the opposite effect.

In reality, by using a different communication approach, you can achieve a completely different result. Communication expert Marshall Rosenberg introduced the concept of nonviolent communication.

Nonviolent communication has four elements: observation, feeling, need, and request. Specifically, it involves: stating facts, expressing feelings, stating needs, and making requests.

Now, let’s analyze each element in detail:

1. Stating facts

Objectively observe what happened and describe it appropriately without adding your own judgment and analysis.

For example, in the previous example: “You come home and just play on your phone.” This is not stating a fact because it contains your own conclusion and analysis.

A better way to phrase it would be: “Since you came home, you’ve been on your phone for three hours.” This is a simple statement of fact without subjective comments.

Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said, “The highest form of human intelligence is to observe without evaluating.” People tend to add comments instinctively when faced with a situation.

However, no one likes to hear criticism. Critical language only temporarily releases your dissatisfaction but can easily provoke a defensive reaction in the other person, leading to emotional conflicts.

2. Expressing feelings

Express your feelings, not your thoughts and opinions. Learn to clearly distinguish between feelings and thoughts. When we say “I feel,” what follows might not necessarily be a feeling, but a thought.

“Anxious, worried, hurt, sad, happy,” are feelings.

“Misunderstood, rejected, belittled, used,” are thoughts and opinions.

For example, in the previous example: “It’s like you don’t care about me at all.” This is a thought, not a feeling.

A better way to express it would be: “I feel lonely.” This is an actual feeling.

3. Stating needs

After expressing your feelings, the next step is to express what kind of need led to those feelings.

In the previous example, you could state your need as: “I feel lonely, and I need your company.”

The first part, “feeling lonely,” is expressing a feeling, and the second part, “I need your company,” is stating a need.

It’s important to note that people tend to express their unmet needs with criticism and accusations. At this point, the other person’s instinct is to counterattack and defend.

If we can express our needs honestly without negative emotions, the other person is more likely to respond positively.

4. Making requests

First, it’s important to make a request, not a demand.

How do we differentiate? When the other person can’t meet our request, if we criticize or try to make them feel guilty, that’s a demand. Respecting the other person’s feelings is making a request.

No one likes to be commanded or forced. Everyone wants their efforts to come from their own willingness.

Secondly, it’s important to make specific requests.

Clearly tell the other person what we want them to do. Women especially need to be mindful of this. In relationships, women often say one thing but mean another, or hide their true thoughts, leaving men confused about how to please them.

For example, in the previous example, you could make the request: “Can you talk with me?”

Now that we’ve introduced the four steps of nonviolent communication, let’s summarize the opening example and see how to transform violent communication into nonviolent communication.

The original incorrect approach was: “You come home and just play on your phone. It’s like you don’t care about me at all. What’s the point of being in this relationship?!”

The corrected version could be:

“Since you came home, you’ve been on your phone for three hours (stating facts). I feel lonely (expressing feelings). I need your company (stating needs). Can you talk with me (making a request)?”

This calm expression is much more comforting for the listener, isn’t it?

Many times, the other person isn’t being unloving or intentionally opposing you. It’s just that our negative emotions provoke them, turning a simple issue into an emotional confrontation. This often leads to unresolved problems and new conflicts.

Let’s learn to communicate well and treat our closest loved ones with kindness!