Real Experience of Living with Mother-in-law for Six Years: Avoid Living Together Unless Necessary
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”—Tolstoy
Having a happy family is crucial for individuals. Home is where one finds solace and belonging. A harmonious family provides the greatest support.
Dealing with spousal relationships is challenging, but the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is equally serious. It’s commonly advised to maintain a distance between them, as living under the same roof can lead to chaos sooner or later.
I have a friend who recently messaged me:
“I have been living with my mother-in-law for six years. During this time, I have endured, swallowed my pride, and now I can’t take it anymore. I am planning to divorce my husband. I feel exhausted in this marriage, like a stranger in this household.”
After reading my friend’s message, I didn’t know how to respond, but one thought crossed my mind:
I must maintain a certain distance from my mother-in-law, just like my friend.
Through my friend’s real experience of living with her mother-in-law for six years, she conveys a clear message:
Avoid living together unless absolutely necessary.
Husband Caught in the Middle of Arguments
“Being the middleman is like being a sandwich cookie.”
This quote from Zhang Ailing suggests that being the middle child at home is like a sandwich cookie—wrong from both ends, caught in a difficult position.
In disharmonious families where mothers-in-law often quarrel with their daughters-in-law, husbands find themselves stuck in the middle, much like a sandwich cookie.
Therefore, individuals with foresight often hope that their mothers can live separately from their wives.
Recently, on a platform, I came across an interview:
Many women were asked if they would be willing to live with their mothers-in-law after marriage, and most of them expressed their reluctance.
After reading the women’s responses, many men commented under the video:
“If you’re not willing, then I won’t marry you!”, “Who do you think you are? If you don’t live with my parents, what use are you to me?”, “Not only are they ugly, but they also cause trouble. If you don’t live with my parents, were you not born to them?”…
Clearly, these men’s comments were in favor of their mothers.
Consider this: Everyone has their temper. It’s challenging for two people to avoid arguments when living together. Just like you might argue with your wife, imagine the situation with your mother and wife—they lack the love and blood ties.
Mature men handle the mother-in-law relationship rationally and listen to women’s words sensibly. Women don’t dislike living with their mothers-in-law because they despise them or think it will burden them. Sometimes, it’s due to family conflicts, which can be detrimental to both parties if they live together. It’s better to stay apart.
Furthermore, after any conflicts arise from living together, the husband is also stuck in the middle.
Generation Gap in Ideologies
Relationship experts say:
“There are no absolute good or bad people in the world. Good and bad are relative. Everyone’s ideologies differ, what you consider good may not be viewed the same way by others.”
The ideologies of the older generation differ from those of the younger generation. When the older generation lives with their daughters-in-law, they tend to say things like:
“You can’t even endure this bit of hardship. When I was giving birth, I endured much more… You have it easy now. I used to go hungry…”
Bringing up such topics makes the older generation feel justified in their statements, but the daughters-in-law perceive it as personal attacks.
In reality, what the older generation says is true, and it’s understandable why daughters-in-law feel uncomfortable. Both parties are not at fault; the issue lies in the difference in the eras they grew up in, making it hard to empathize and understand each other.
The generation gap can lead to numerous conflicts between two individuals. While some individuals adapt to the changing times, most mothers-in-law follow traditional practices in dealing with current situations.
Living together inevitably leads to various problems. Each party believes they are right, leading to a situation where each sees the other as the bad person.
Distance Enhances Appreciation
“When I know there is distance between us, I love you more.”
Whether in love, family, or other relationships, distance can bring beauty.
“If life were like the first sight, why would autumn winds sadden us?”
Initially, when you meet someone, they seem perfect. But as you get to know them better, you realize everyone has flaws. Initially, emotions are strong, but with time, they weaken.
Knowing someone may deter you from getting closer, or, in some cases, foster greater closeness.
Distance can indeed enhance appreciation. When you don’t know someone well or haven’t interacted much, you see only their positive traits. A surprise gesture from them can make you view them as good, despite not living together frequently.
However, if you live together all the time, one mistake can change your perception of them, making you feel targeted. Therefore, maintaining a certain distance can benefit both parties.
For example, some daughters-in-law always live in the city but visit their families during festivals, bringing gifts. This act makes the mothers-in-law happy, feeling their daughters-in-law are filial.
Conversely, when a mother-in-law lives with her elder son’s wife, and the younger son’s wife visits during festivals with many gifts, the mother-in-law may favor the younger daughter-in-law. However, the one truly taking care of the mother-in-law at home is still the elder son’s wife.
Therefore, sometimes maintaining a certain distance allows room for imagination and reduces conflicts. The more one cares for the elderly, the more debts they leave behind.
Unless necessary, it’s better for daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law to live separately. When the mother-in-law needs help, the daughter-in-law should show filial piety. When not needed, they can live apart.
