Dealing with Breakup: How to Let Go of an Ex and Overcome the Pain of Heartbreak

You asked with swollen eyes, “We were so harmonious and affectionate the other day. He said he loved me, wouldn’t leave me, and even asked me not to leave him. How did things change so quickly? Just because I said a few irrational things in the heat of the moment? I gave my all, but a single sentence destroyed everything! Even I am disheartened this time. They say love is about tolerance, but maybe he didn’t love me enough. But I promised not to leave him, and I still want to keep that promise…”

You said he knew your true feelings and must have known the pain you are enduring now, but despite that, he refuses to forgive. He doesn’t cherish you as much as you think.

You seem to understand everything, but your logic is completely self-centered. Try to see things from his perspective. His reaction is logical. In a long-lasting relationship, love alone is not enough. The ultimate test is whether both people enjoy each other’s company. After repeatedly causing trouble over the same issue, he finally stopped tolerating it and couldn’t trust you anymore. He doesn’t want to stay in an uncomfortable relationship, so he decisively withdrew. That’s a man’s rational thinking.

Listen to me, if he doesn’t forgive you, let go this time. Lost trust can’t be regained, no matter what. Besides, no matter how big the mistake, you shouldn’t beg. Letting go means gaining. You’ve tried, whether he comes back is up to fate. Regardless, be thankful to him for making you realize your immaturity. There’s a lot to learn about how to love someone correctly and manage a relationship wisely.

You nodded in agreement, promising not to “bother” him anymore, to process your emotions, learn from the experience, and become a better version of yourself in the future. You said, the day you were dumped will be unforgettable, like your birthday, a day of rebirth! But how do you get through these days of heartbreak?

I’ve written two articles on breakups before, “Can You Reconcile After a Breakup? How to Win Back Your Ex” and “Who Says Breakups Are Bad? Encouragement to Turn It into Fortune!” One is about reconciliation, the other is inspirational. Neither seems quite suitable for you right now. So today, I’ve written a practical guide specifically for you, to help you step out of the pain of heartbreak!

Enough talk, let’s get to it. Here are the steps and key points to quickly overcome the pain of heartbreak:

1. Absolutely do not harm yourself.

This includes getting drunk, starving, self-harm, or even suicide. Think about your loved ones. Is it worth hurting the people who love you just for one person? Remember: your life isn’t just about love; it’s about family, friends, career, and many other meaningful things. Moreover, there’s better love waiting ahead, so don’t worry.

To prevent impulsive actions, at least tell someone who cares about you about the breakup, preferably someone with positive energy.

2. Let your emotions out.

You can cry out loud; tears help detoxify the body. You can also write down what you want to say. Even though he won’t see these words, writing is a way to vent and sort things out. Listening to your favorite songs, reading books, watching movies, and doing things you enjoy are also good ways to energize yourself.

Maybe listen to Faye Wong’s songs and think about how the goddess faced being cheated on, without blaming or complaining, just leaving when it’s clear, and moving on to tomorrow.

Or read “Gone with the Wind,” imagining he’s the male protagonist Rhett Butler, and you’re the stubborn, willful, strong-willed Scarlett O’Hara. Your immaturity made an outstanding man finally leave, but you, awakened, say firmly, “Tomorrow is another day.”

Or read the poem “The Second Song of the Pure Wind” by the poet Su : “Don’t listen to the rustling of leaves in the woods, why not sing and walk slowly. A bamboo stick and straw shoes are lighter than a horse, who’s afraid? A bamboo raincoat in the rain is carefree all my life. The chilly spring wind sobers up the drunk, slightly cold, the mountain top slants to greet the sunshine. Looking back at the desolate place, going back, no wind, no rain, no clear sky.”

3. Try to avoid thinking about your ex, and definitely do not contact them.

First, put away anything related to him. Don’t repeatedly dwell on past promises, sweetness, and entanglements. You did love each other, that was real, and he didn’t lie to you then. The problem is, everything in the world is constantly changing, including feelings. Once it’s changed, accept it.

Second, you probably really want to contact him now, but resist the urge because, no matter how he responds, it will trigger another emotional storm inside you. Clinging on will only devalue yourself, so keep some good thoughts. If you can’t control it, just delete all contact information. Also, don’t ask friends about him. Wanting to be friends is something for after you’ve completely let go, not now.

4. Don’t idealize your past relationship too much.

First, don’t think your connection was so unique and destined. Remember, what attracted you was a type of person, not the only one. Think about your ex’s flaws to remind yourself that he wasn’t that great and not the most suitable person for you.

Second, don’t think you loved him that much. Your current pain is largely due to unwillingness, hurt pride, unwillingness to accept defeat, or jealousy. These pains actually stem from strong self-awareness. Recognize that you’re just a tiny part of the world, and everyone experiences life’s ups and downs. Sweet, sour, bitter, salty, and umami are all essential elements of life, none can be missing.

5. Don’t let the end of a relationship make you doubt yourself.

First, don’t blame yourself for everything; the state of a relationship is the responsibility of both people. Even though it may seem like you ignited the spark, the gunpowder didn’t just appear out of nowhere. It takes two to tango.

Second, don’t question yourself just because a love didn’t work out. Even if he doesn’t love you anymore, it’s because you two weren’t compatible, not because you’re not good enough. Love someone for who they really are, with their strengths and flaws. If they only love your good side and can’t tolerate any flaws, that’s not the kind of love you need. You are still the unique and charming you, deserving of someone even better. Why torment yourself for someone who doesn’t love you anymore? As long as you don’t abandon yourself, no one can abandon you. Lift your head high, say goodbye to the past with dignity, and start a new life.

Third, don’t completely dismiss this fruitless love affair. Love doesn’t have a categorization of success and failure. How many love stories can truly last a lifetime? The probability is quite low. Having experienced the feelings of love, the fusion of body and soul, and the growth during the process of love, is still a good experience. If it can’t last forever, having had it was still a blessing.

6. Keep yourself busy.

After a breakup, the worst thing you can do is lock yourself indoors and constantly think about him, making yourself sadder. Don’t give yourself the chance to magnify your emotions. After shedding tears a few times, quickly keep yourself occupied.

Engage in activities you enjoy, such as eating, exercising, traveling, reading, watching shows, or shopping. Especially exercise, which effectively relieves mental stress. Working up a sweat can make you feel relaxed, and taking a hot shower and a good sleep will help.

You can also try making some fresh changes, like getting a new hairstyle, joining a yoga class, guitar lessons, photography classes, etc. Embrace new things and enter new social circles. When you’re busy like this, you won’t have time to think about him or the energy to be sad every day.

7. Identify your shortcomings in handling emotions and grow from it.

As time passes, your emotions will stabilize. At this point, reflect on what led to the withering of your relationship and identify your weak points. Don’t let the journey be in vain; don’t make the same mistakes. It’s true: a good relationship makes you a better version of yourself.

By following these points, the next step is to be patient. Time heals all wounds. Endure what needs to be endured, and the dark clouds will pass.

“In the end, no matter how many people you’ve loved, no matter how painful or joyful it was, you don’t learn how to love; you learn how to love yourself.

To forget a past love, there’s only one method: time and new love. And if time and new love still can’t make you forget, it’s because time isn’t long enough, and the new love isn’t good enough.”

During a breakup, listen to songs with a carefree vibe; it’s more beneficial than mournful wails. I like the last four lines:

“Don’t want me, I don’t want, don’t love me, I don’t love, turn off the light, not even a shadow will remain.”