Not All Affairs Can Be Forgiven
If your marriage encounters an affair, almost everyone will advise you to “forgive them. Relationships are inevitably full of ups and downs and all sorts of problems. Forgiving them is also forgiving yourself…”
So we often see that many people who have been betrayed almost immediately choose to forgive the other person without thinking. If they don’t, they feel like they are being narrow-minded and petty. If they don’t forgive, they feel like they are the ones destroying the marriage and not wanting to live a good life!
This kind of thinking has really hurt a lot of people!
Is an affair worth forgiving? In principle, of course. But before deciding whether to forgive, there are several important conditions:
First, the other person must want to be forgiven.
If the other person doesn’t care at all, or even becomes more brazen after the affair is exposed, then your forgiveness becomes wishful thinking, and it completely loses any value or meaning.
God said: I will forgive everyone who makes mistakes, provided that they truly repent.
If the person who cheated doesn’t think they did anything wrong and continues to do as they please, then where does forgiveness come in?
Second, do you have the ability to forgive?
Not everyone can come to terms with an affair—this leads to a situation where those who can’t forgive feel a heavy sense of self-blame.
Their logic is: an affair needs to be forgiven, and since I can’t forgive, it’s my fault!
The most painful thing in marriage is these people. They not only have to bear the pain of betrayal, but also force themselves to accept something they can’t accept, and are always questioning and denying themselves.
In fact, it’s really not necessary.
If marriage is a contract, then loyalty is a necessary clause; the other person’s betrayal has violated the agreement, so at this point, you actually have the right to choose whether or not to forgive. In other words, they can choose to betray, and you can choose not to forgive. Especially if, after making an effort, you still can’t forgive, you shouldn’t blame yourself, because the root of the problem lies with the other person, who has created a betrayal that you can’t bear, and a problem that you can’t solve.
Third, is the marriage after forgiveness really what you want?
Out of instinct, people will instinctively try to hold on to something they are about to lose, and feelings are no different.
Why do most people’s first reaction or choice after discovering their partner’s affair to try to salvage the relationship? Because they are afraid of losing!
At the moment, the most important thing is to salvage the relationship, but once successful, your attention will shift, and you may start to dwell on their betrayal again.
For example, knowing that your husband has a mistress, at first, you will do anything to get him back, thinking that as long as he comes back, everything can be forgotten; as long as he comes back, it’s all in the past, and you will be happy.
In reality, it’s not the case. Many people, after getting their husband back, find that they are still very unhappy, because their focus has shifted to their husband’s betrayal, so they are still in pain, just in a different way.
In fact, some marriages are already in a mess, and an affair is just a qualitative change. At this point, it might be worth considering whether this marriage is really what you want. If not, it’s better to use the affair as an opportunity to end things decisively and amicably.
If you unfortunately experience betrayal, before deciding to forgive, you must first look at the other person’s attitude. If they admit their mistake and are willing to turn back, needing your forgiveness, then you can decide whether to forgive—and then see if you can forgive. You can try, but it’s not a task that must be completed! If you really can’t get over it, then don’t forgive them, don’t make it difficult for yourself, because you’re not the one in the wrong.
Some people may say, “I can’t forgive, but I can’t divorce either.” This is actually the reason for your pain. The psychological implication behind this statement is: if I don’t divorce, then I must forgive. In fact, divorce and forgiveness are not related. In other words, you can continue the marriage without forgiving, or you can choose not to dwell on it and insist on a divorce.
