Most of the Time, We Like Someone Because of Our Own Flaws
The Pitfalls of Seeking Love to Fill Inner Emptiness
In this world, only a very few relationships are based on the mutual attraction and growth of two independent and healthy individuals.
Most people like someone because of their own troubles and flaws.
For example, loneliness, deprivation, the need for rescue, or seeking parental figures. When unable to handle these issues, they seek someone to escape or fulfill themselves.
And then, troubles continue to arise.
Those who love because of loneliness will become even lonelier.
Those who love because of deprivation will become even more deprived.
Those who love because of the need for rescue will only attract one scoundrel after another.
Those who love because they seek parental figures will encounter the coldness or abandonment they experienced in their childhood.
Many stories unfold in a similar manner:
A lonely person, unable to alleviate their loneliness, turns to social media to meet people, and eventually falls in love.
But is there intimacy? Communication? Emotional connection?
None.
Why do they think they are in love?
Because they mistake their longing for love as love itself.
If this counterfeit “love” becomes real, it will either end in disappointment or lead to numerous conflicts that you’ll have to face endlessly.
In this process, you may feel desolate and find life without support, facing the setting sun alone like a scarecrow in the ever-changing world.
Just as Murphy’s Law applies to emotions with the same unyielding force.
What you try to avoid will always be waiting for you ahead.
What you refuse to confront will force you to face it in the future.
Similarly, a child who was ignored in their childhood will grow up seeking a parental figure.
They need to be indulged and cared for, to fill the void left by their childhood, in the name of love.
This is why many girls seek older men and many boys seek women who are addicted to giving, as their partners.
The underlying nature is the same.
However, these abnormal relationships will eventually repeat the emotional patterns of childhood: neglect.
Older men often have their own families and cannot focus solely on one person.
Women addicted to giving often suppress themselves, lack communication, and harbor internal resentments.
Therefore, the passionate promises of “I will take care of you for a lifetime” will, after a few years, turn into “I don’t think I can take care of you anymore,” or “You’re not a child, why can’t you take care of yourself?”
The declaration of “I’m willing to cook for you for the rest of my life” during the infatuation period will, after a year or two, become “I’m not your mother, why do I have to take care of you every day?”
Then there are those who, due to the chaos of the real world and their inability to cope, anxiously seek love.
Because “love” offers the gentlest escape.
Burdened with debts and feeling overwhelmed, having a partner to eat with, argue with, and be intimate with can temporarily push the harsher and more practical troubles to the back of their mind.
Failing career, inadequate earnings, and difficulties with colleagues and superiors can exacerbate their hunger for love.
Because in the shelter of love, they can find a moment of satisfaction and respite.
However, this kind of love at its inception will certainly not be stable but rather volatile and reactive.
Unstable, full of variables, it easily triggers intense reactions.
When we choose it, it is very likely that we will end up harming ourselves.
For instance, such a man, when faced with rejection from his partner, may unleash all his real-world anxiety onto her, leading to violent domestic abuse.
What is real love?
Psychologist Rogers said: Love is deep understanding and acceptance.
It’s when two independent individuals meet, naturally drawn to each other by the attraction of their souls.
It’s when two self-responsible individuals decide to be together, to experience and create the joy of life together.
This kind of love brings real joy, not the endless pain and obstacles.
Conversely, when we like someone due to deprivation, flaws, or troubles, as mentioned earlier, we are likely to either settle for less or turn love into a form of demand or attachment.
In such a relationship, we won’t find true healing but will instead face greater difficulties.
Countless forerunners have already told us through their experiences: Trying to find fulfillment through others is a dead-end road.
Of course, it’s not a problem to love due to loneliness or deprivation.
But the real issue is that you must recognize why you love someone. If, without your own loneliness and deprivation, you would still choose to be with them, then you should proceed with caution.
Intelligence is our upper limit.
It determines who we will meet, how much wealth we will create, and what kind of life we will lead.
Mental illness is our lower limit.
It determines whom we will avoid, how many temptations we will resist, and what kind of life we will escape from.
Therefore, a person with a deprived soul, even if intellectually gifted, may still end up with scoundrels because they are controlled by their own shortcomings and cannot break free.
Throughout our lives, we are all seeking fulfillment.
But you have to tell yourself: No one can save you, no one can save you, no one can save you… Repeating this will dispel many delusions.
The emptiness in your heart, the mental illnesses, all require you to renew yourself, save yourself time and time again, and become a more complete person.
Only then will you have the chance to receive true love.
