If You Really Want to Find a Partner, Please Lower Your Standards First!

Many single people have probably heard their friends and family say, “Your standards are too high, that’s why you can’t find a partner.”

Most people must have felt quite annoyed when hearing this: “How are my standards too high? Can’t I have some standards? Should I just settle for anyone when finding a partner?”

Indeed, it’s normal to have standards when finding a partner, and one shouldn’t settle.

Nevertheless, I want to advise everyone today, if you truly want to find a partner, then you need to lower your standards first!

I know many people’s first reaction to the idea of lowering their standards is: “My standards aren’t high!”

I have a friend named Emily who told me, “My standards aren’t high at all. I just want to find a suitable person. Is that too much to ask? Why can’t I find anyone?”

I asked Emily about her specific standards, and after thinking for a while, she replied: “Similar values, good communication, mature personality, no bad habits, preferably over 5'9” tall, within a 7-year age difference, at least a college degree, and a normal job will do. I’m not asking for a car or a house, as those can be earned in the future. That’s all!”

After hearing Emily’s standards, I genuinely felt that her requirements weren’t high. Emily is a college graduate, a civil servant, 5'6" tall, slim, and has all the necessary qualities. Her family background is also pretty good. As for the requirement of similar values and good communication, I believe these are the most basic standards, so Emily’s expectations are really not excessive.

In fact, many young women are just like Emily; they have good qualities and practical standards for finding a partner. However, they often have the same problem as Emily—they can’t find a suitable person.

Why is that?

Before answering the above question, I’d like to ask everyone a question: What’s the first step in finding a partner?

I believe the first step in finding a partner should be getting to know each other. Only by getting to know each other first can there be understanding, and the possibility of further development.

So why can’t those with low standards find a partner?

It’s because they have a problem with the first step of getting to know each other!

Take my friend Emily for example! Many people have introduced potential partners to her, but none have been successful. Most of the men Emily hasn’t met in person because they didn’t meet her standards.

I asked Emily: “Why not meet them? Just get to know each other, and even if things don’t work out, at least you can make a new friend!”

Emily scornfully replied: “Those people simply don’t meet my standards. Meeting them would be pointless and a waste of time. If I have the time, I’d rather sleep! Besides, I don’t need more friends.”

Emily’s response seemed reasonable, but upon careful thought, it’s just getting to know each other. It’s not like you have to immediately become his girlfriend, so why raise the bar for getting to know someone? Why combine the standards for finding a partner and getting to know each other?

Many times, the reason you can’t find a partner isn’t because your standards for a spouse are high, but because your standards for getting to know the opposite sex are too high. You lack the patience to understand others and yet dream of finding someone who meets all your conditions and is interested in you, making it difficult to find a suitable match.

Speaking of standards, I think standards should be general.

When single, many people aren’t sure about the kind of person they are suited for, and don’t know who they’ll fall in love with in the future. Setting very rigid standards may limit the possibility of finding love.

Take my other friend Sarah, for example. When she was single, she insisted on finding a boyfriend with long legs, so during blind dates, she wouldn’t meet anyone under 5'10". Her partner selection criteria was: no one under 5'10".

Recently, Sarah told me she found a boyfriend and invited us to dinner. However, when I met her boyfriend, I was surprised because he was almost as tall as her, probably no more than 5'7".

After meeting, I teased Sarah: “What happened to your previous standard? Don’t you like long legs?”

Sarah sheepishly replied: “Actually, I didn’t like him at first. I met him purely because I misheard the matchmaker saying ‘5’7’” as ‘5’10’.’ But after meeting him, I found him quite nice, and after spending some time with him, I discovered he’s really humorous, and being with him makes me very happy.”

Sarah continued: “Thinking back, I realize I was quite funny in the past, so strict, not even allowing a centimeter of flexibility. I hadn’t even seen the person, yet I concluded they weren’t suitable. Now, I think that most people actually don’t know what kind of person they are suited for. To say it’s unsuitable without even meeting, that’s not efficient, it’s hasty!”

I thought she made a lot of sense.

I know too many people like this. You introduce someone to them, and as soon as they hear that the other person doesn’t meet specific criteria, they pass directly. They don’t even want to meet, citing: “Not suitable, don’t want to waste time.”

You haven’t even met, how do you know it’s not suitable, how do you know it’s a waste of time? Meeting is just to get to know each other, it’s not asking you to commit immediately.

Yes, your standards for finding a partner aren’t high, but your standards for getting to know the opposite sex are too high!

You haven’t even met, you don’t know what kind of person they are, yet you’re excluding them based on so-called criteria that fit you. This way, you’re too easily “murdering” someone who is truly suitable for you.

Returning to the article title, if you really want to find a partner, then please lower your standards first!

What this means is not to settle for less, but to lower your standards for getting to know the opposite sex.

For example, if you want to buy a dress, you may initially want a chiffon maxi dress. However, at the store, you should temporarily set aside your preference and try on various styles of dresses.

After trying them on, you might end up buying a cotton mini skirt because you find it extremely comfortable and it makes your legs look longer, which suits you better than a maxi dress.

Just like buying clothes, you only know if it’s suitable after trying it on. Similarly, in finding a partner, you need to meet, get to know, and understand the other person before you can determine if they are suitable for you. So, don’t reject others from the start.

As long as the other person isn’t so dangerous that they’d explode on the spot, or so unattractive that you’d want to vomit at first sight. Meeting for a meal or a movie is really not a big deal!

Lastly, I want to emphasize: Only by getting to know more people will you truly understand who you are suited for.

I hope you can temporarily set aside your standards and get to know more people, and I wish you find the right person soon.