How to Overcome Relationship Doubt and Insecurity

Always Suspecting Boyfriend, Worried He Might Cheat Next Second, What to Do?

Came across an interesting tweet:

“Dreamt that my husband took a second wife, and the vinegar jar exploded in my dream. It was full of negative energy, which made me vent my anger at him all day!”

I wonder what all the girls think after reading this tweet?

This reminds me of a funny story:

Tom wanted to hang a painting. He had nails but no hammer, and his neighbor had a hammer. So, he decided to borrow the hammer from his neighbor. Just then, he started to have doubts: What if the neighbor didn’t want to lend him the hammer?

Various behaviors of the neighbor started flashing through his mind: Every time he bought groceries, he was very stingy; whenever he encountered the elderly or disabled, he often didn’t offer his seat. All these behaviors pointed to one answer—bad character.

“How could a person with such bad character lend me a hammer?”

Then, Tom continued to imagine: “How could he refuse to help someone out with such a small favor? If someone asked to borrow my tools, I would immediately lend them.”

“And he thinks I rely on him, just because he has a hammer! I’ve had enough.”

So, the more he thought about it, the angrier he got, and he rushed over and rang the neighbor’s doorbell. When the neighbor opened the door, before he could even say “good morning,” he was greeted with Tom’s inexplicable cursing: “Keep your hammer for yourself, you scoundrel!”

In love, many people often, like Tom, rely on “I feel,” “I suspect,” “I imagine” to speculate about the other person’s thoughts, ignore the truth of the matter, and let negative imagination lead to negative behavior, making the relationship worse.

Suspicions are the most common problem in love.

A friend once told me that she suspected her boyfriend was not faithful, so she adopted a strategy of containment, constantly monitoring him, reporting before going out to eat, getting agitated if he didn’t reply within ten minutes, checking in with video calls in the middle of the night, and installing location tracking software on her boyfriend’s phone. In the end, her boyfriend still cheated on her. She cried and said to me, “See! I suspected he was unfaithful long ago. Men really can’t be relied on.”

I told her, “Isn’t your encouragement of suspicion one of the main reasons for his cheating behavior?”

In the law of attraction, the more you don’t want something to happen, the more you fear it happening, the more likely it is to happen.

Because your negative imagination leads to negative emotions, and even inappropriate behavior.

You imagine your man cheating, and your negative imagination will prompt you to start doubting, questioning, and mistrusting him.

In short, when you suspect him, you’ve already, in a way, sentenced this relationship to death. All your subsequent actions are just trying to find evidence to prove your unfounded suspicions.

In this situation, you will search for information that will foster your negative imagination, and the more you see, the more negative you feel, thinking that your man must have a problem.

And in the man’s mind, “Since you’ve already made me carry the ‘cheating’ label, no matter what I do, I can’t gain your trust, so I might as well just do it.”

The emotional state you use for imagination, the perspective you use to look at things, and the viewpoint you use to interpret everything, will determine your attitude, and in turn, what results you will get.

Why are sensitive and suspicious girls more likely to get hurt? It’s because they always suspect that the other person doesn’t love them, and can connect any event with negative thoughts, preemptively predict negative results, and then everything they do is to find evidence that the other person doesn’t love them.

In the recently popular dating-themed reality show “Daughters’ Romance,” Selina faced her date and said, “You must be out of your mind to like me.”

This sentence represents the negative attitude many insecure and sensitive girls have towards relationships, using negative imagination to predict negative results and not believing they deserve to be loved.

Until the second and third episodes of the show, she was still entangled with this issue, repeatedly seeking confirmation of whether the other party was serious.

People often only believe what they want to believe, regardless of the truth.

Once you believe in something, you will work hard to find evidence that supports your suspicions and imagination, selectively collect the information you want, and continue to interpret the information according to your own speculation, thus arriving at a so-called truth that fits your imagination.

Even if this fact or truth is wrong or one-sided, in psychology, this is called “confirmation bias.”

The direct consequence is: using your imagined state to speculate about others and make judgments.

Just like the story of Tom at the beginning, he wasn’t sure if the neighbor would lend him the hammer. Without taking action, he began various imaginations and finally concluded that the neighbor would definitely not lend it.

The world we see is just the way we “choose” to see it. When a person’s heart is filled with a certain emotion, the heart will carry strong personal bias, continually seeking ‘evidence’ to reinforce their imagination, ultimately forming a ‘it is true’ psychological stereotype.

You believe in something, and that’s what you’ll see.

Many cases of testing boyfriends, sneaking a peek at their phones, or monitoring husbands seem to be aimed at eliminating mutual distrust in the relationship, but in fact, quite the opposite. These behaviors only deepen the distrust between the two.

If you want to test how strong tempered glass is, you can try it, but then the glass won’t serve its purpose.

So, don’t say that a man who can be tempted away is not a good man. Human nature cannot withstand tests; people are people, with weaknesses and animalistic tendencies.

When you realize that your relationship is in trouble, and he might even be cheating, the first thing you should think about is: What is the root cause of this problem? What has led him to possibly betray you? Address the problem at its source.

Instead of containment, constant surveillance, and suspicion, which will not only seriously damage the trust between two people, but also these testing/monitoring/suspecting behaviors will only focus all your attention on the daily behaviors of the man, while ignoring the fundamental reasons for the emotional crisis, leaving you with no energy or desire to find and change your own problems.

Suspicions are like Pandora’s box. Once you plant the seed of suspicion, it will sprout sooner or later. At the same time, it will make you neglect the fundamental problems that should have been valued and promptly resolved!

In the end, I hope that the sisters who are experiencing this confusion in their relationships can understand the principle of “trust people without suspicion, and don’t use suspicious people.”