How Do I Forgive Him After His Infidelity ?
Yesterday, I received a plea for help from my friend Jenny. She said her boyfriend cheated on her, and she can’t let go but doesn’t know how to forgive him?
I truly understand what it feels like to be betrayed by a beloved person. I remember, not long after breaking up with my first love, he accepted another girl’s pursuit.
Even though we had already broken up, we had been together for several years, and this carefree behavior made me feel that we really couldn’t be together again. It made me feel betrayed.
Jenny and her boyfriend have been in love for many years, and their relationship has always been good. Although they occasionally had minor quarrels, they had never made any major mistakes.
They were planning to meet each other’s parents this year, but her boyfriend cheated last month.
Here’s what happened:
Last month, her boyfriend went on a business trip with some colleagues. They had dinner, sang, and had some drinks in the evening.
Jenny had been reminding her boyfriend to drink less and take care of himself.
Her boyfriend promised to drink less, but he couldn’t resist his colleagues’ persuasion, and he ended up getting drunk.
At that time, a female colleague took him back to the hotel.
However, when faced with the overtures from the female colleague, he couldn’t control himself and crossed his own boundaries, and they had a physical relationship.
When he sobered up, he felt guilty and decided to confess to Jenny about what happened.
Her boyfriend hoped Jenny could forgive him. He said that he confessed because he didn’t want to let Jenny down. He couldn’t change what happened but promised not to do it again. He really didn’t want to lose Jenny.
Upon hearing this, Jenny immediately hung up the phone, started crying, and felt that she couldn’t forgive him but also couldn’t let him go.
Two voices kept giving her conflicting advice.
One voice said, “How can you forgive this? An apology can’t make up for being betrayed. He’s the person you love and trust the most, even the person you want to spend your life with. If you forgive him this time, what if he cheats again?”
But the other voice told her, “But you love him! He confessed to his infidelity on his own. Shouldn’t he be an honest person? Do you want to give up this relationship?”
Jenny was very confused and didn’t know what to do.
In the following period, her boyfriend picked her up and dropped her off at work every day, but Jenny ignored him, and he still shamelessly escorted her.
Jenny is a soft-hearted girl. Seeing her boyfriend like this, she temporarily agreed not to break up, but she still couldn’t trust him.
Because she couldn’t stop herself from imagining what happened that night, thinking about how her partner had intimate moments with another woman.
She kept telling me, “I really can’t let go of him, but I can’t bring myself to trust him either.”
Jenny’s trust in her boyfriend has been completely shattered.
This once carefree girl is now anxious when her boyfriend doesn’t reply for ten minutes. She’s always afraid he’s with that other girl.
The suspicion in their relationship has made things increasingly tense, and they can’t seem to find the closeness they once had.
How can someone who has been hurt dare to trust the person who hurt them?
In relationships, betrayal is the most feared thing. This scar will always remain in the victim’s heart and will hurt every time it’s remembered.
But you really don’t want to leave him, and you can’t trust him. What should you do?
1. First, let’s look at why people who have been deeply betrayed by their lover can’t help but suspect him?
Firstly, negative emotions haven’t been dealt with.
The reason for not trusting a lover is that the emotional wound hasn’t been healed, and feelings of resentment have been wreaking havoc within us, making it difficult for us to think positively about him.
Many people feel extremely devastated after discovering their partner’s infidelity.
I remember a friend telling me how she felt after being betrayed: “I trusted him so much and let down my guard. How could he be with someone else, stabbing me in the back?”
Shock, anger, sadness, and other negative emotions combined into a negative voice.
When we want to forgive our lover and start over, this voice unconsciously speaks up, “He hurt me so much in the past, why should I forgive him?” “What if he cheats on me again?” This voice throws cold water on our trust.
2. Insufficient emotional account balance.
Trust issues are related to the emotional account balance running out.
Our trust in our partner is similar to a bank account.
When a boyfriend behaves well and does not flirt with other girls, it’s like constantly depositing money into the account, giving us the impression that we “can trust him.”
But when a partner constantly uses twitter to meet other women, it’s like heavily overdrawing his credibility, making it impossible for us to believe in him.
So, if you really can’t trust him, you might want to check your emotional account.
If your boyfriend is only withdrawing money and not depositing, or if the balance is zero or even negative, it’s hard to convince yourself that he will cherish this relationship and not cheat again.
3. Unresolved psychological trauma.
The inability to continue after a partner’s infidelity is also due to the psychological trauma caused by betrayal, making us very concerned about trusting again.
There’s an old saying, “Once bitten by a snake, ten years afraid of a well rope.”
Many people are entangled by past hurtful experiences, as if they had been bitten by a snake and developed a fear of relationships.
They worry about their partner’s every “suspicious” move and interpret ambiguous situations as leading to infidelity, and they feel uneasy whenever their partner goes out.
This state is very similar to post-traumatic stress disorder.
Seeing the “well rope” brings back the memory of being bitten by a snake, repeatedly reliving the pain of being let down, and even occasionally having flashbacks of those unbearable moments.
By amplifying the negative aspects, it’s also very difficult for us to trust ourselves to give ourselves to the other person.
4. While I don’t advocate giving this relationship another chance, if you do want to give him a chance, you can try the following methods:
First, to restore a trusting relationship, first, calm your injured heart and slowly ease the negative emotions. You can ask yourself, “What does he need to do in order for me to forgive him and start over?” Don’t be afraid to express your thoughts, whether it’s making him kneel and apologize for an hour, constantly saying, “I’m sorry, honey,” or calling the other woman to scold her, or sharing your location from now on, making sure you see them everywhere you go.
In short, find that point where you can let go if he does it, and discuss it with your partner.
As long as he agrees, or proposes an acceptable compromise, we will feel much better and see hope for the relationship to continue.
Next, have your partner recharge the emotional account instead of constantly overdrawing it.
We can ask ourselves, “What can he do to put money into the emotional account?” “What behavior of his will reduce the balance on the emotional account?”
Take out a piece of paper and list the “deposit behavior” and “withdrawal behavior.”
For example:
Deposit behavior—providing evidence when attending social events, calling every night no matter how busy, and not engaging in ambiguous conversations with women on messaging apps will earn him points;
Withdrawal behavior—being irritable, installing several dating apps, and refusing to let me check his location will decrease his credibility.
You can tell your partner about behaviors that will deposit into the emotional account, so he doesn’t engage in crazy spending, and we will gradually regain confidence in our feelings.
Finally, let go of speculation and excessive interpretation, and learn to take things as they come.
If your partner doesn’t respond to a call for ten minutes, that’s a fact, but “he’s with another woman” or “he’s become distant from me” is an excessive interpretation of the facts, and it can easily lead to a strong sense of insecurity.
A better approach would be to judge based on the facts.
For example:
Don’t immediately label him as untrustworthy just because he’s offline for an hour. Wait for an explanation and provide evidence of work or a gathering with friends.
If the evidence is convincing, we can temporarily choose to believe him. If there are obvious loopholes or something doesn’t seem right, it’s not too late to start suspecting again.
Suppress your negative tendencies, look at the problem objectively, and there’s a possibility of rebuilding trust in an intimate relationship.
Someone once said, “In the end, we choose to reconcile with our sadness, not forget. Because everything that once made me sad is also what I loved the most.”
Yes! It’s not easy to forget, we’re just reconciling with our sadness.
What happened, happened.
But if you still choose to give him a chance, then reconcile with your sadness!
I just hope that we never regret in life!
