How Could You Not Feel Hatred for Someone Who Betrayed You?
Stay away from those who easily advise you to be generous, so that you won’t be struck by lightning because of them.
This sentence actually makes a lot of sense.
Encountering betrayal in a relationship, it’s normal to feel hatred and a desire for revenge. This is a normal reaction for anyone—to be hurt by someone for no reason, even a Buddha would probably roar like a lion.
However, in reality, there are always so many people comforting you: Let it go, don’t dwell on it, why carry so much hatred all the time, why are you so narrow-minded, why not give others a chance…
In the end, not only are you the one who is hurt and understood by no one, but you also become a narrow-minded person.
Hatred is actually a normal emotional response, and often, hatred is also because of love. Without the initial love, how could there be present hatred?
So, when you feel hatred and a desire for revenge because of the other person’s betrayal, don’t think that there is something wrong with you. This just proves that you are a normal person emotionally.
Now, let’s look at how to deal with your feelings of hatred and revenge.
If you have hatred in your heart, the best way to dissipate it is actually revenge. There are many stories in history that illustrate this point. However, revenge has an important premise, which is “separation”. For example, if someone bullies you and after many years, you have learned martial arts and then retaliate against them, this person has nothing to do with you and any kind of revenge won’t affect you.
But in a marriage, it’s different. If you retaliate without getting a divorce, it will definitely affect you, and this doesn’t need further explanation. This is why many people, although they have the desire for revenge, can’t really act on it.
So, does getting a divorce solve everything? Of course not, because there are children involved.
Therefore, the possibility of personally seeking revenge after experiencing relationship betrayal is actually very slim. This is exactly why many people’s feelings of hatred can only be buried in their hearts and cannot be eliminated for a long time. They easily fall into an unresolved feeling of hatred at the thought of the other person’s betrayal, “Can I just let it go like this? Can they get away with it so easily…”
Unable to eliminate the hatred in your heart is a kind of torment for yourself—to live a comfortable life, you need to be internally open, and hatred is like a blockage. If you keep it inside, it becomes a buildup. Physical buildup leads to cancer, and psychological buildup is no different…
Because specific revenge actions cannot be carried out, the only way to deal with “hatred” is still self-digestion.
Ultimately, the method of digestion comes down to two levels. One is to have a long-term perspective—the cause and effect of a person’s life is not just about one moment or one thing. Leave the other person’s karma to them. Even if you find it difficult to let go of your desire for revenge, the so-called “a gentleman’s revenge is never too late” does not need to be rushed. The current task is to first heal and soothe yourself.
The other level is to rise above, which means constantly improving your own cultivation and state of mind. Hatred is like a sharp and dangerous weapon. If you don’t strike back at the other person, you will only end up hurting yourself. Since you can’t strike at the other person, you have to use something else to wrap it up. Although the sharpness is still there, because it is wrapped up, it won’t cause harm to yourself, and this wrapping is your cultivation, state of mind, and breadth of vision.
The same principle applies—when you are still weak, the desire for revenge is strong; but when you become strong, the desire for revenge fades, just like how you were once a drop of water, and later became an ocean, what you can contain and dilute internally is vastly different.
So, in relationships, when facing feelings of hatred and revenge, the first thing to do is to accept that having these feelings in your heart is normal, it’s not a sickness, and it’s not narrow-minded. Anyone who says you’re not generous enough must be self-righteous or falsely compassionate.
At the same time, it’s important to accept that because of the special nature of marriage, the two people in a marriage, whether they continue or divorce, it’s very difficult to directly eliminate the feelings of hatred through revenge. Even if it can be achieved, it mostly harms others a hundredfold and oneself eightyfold, which is not worth it.
Finally, don’t let hatred and revenge consume you, and let yourself live in a world controlled by negative emotions. At this time, you need to elevate yourself to digest and let go of these feelings.
Lastly, I’ll say: “That’s not forgiveness, that’s letting go.”
If you can understand this sentence, you will also find peace with this issue.
