Feeling Secure and Confident: It Comes From Being Irreplaceable
In a relationship, the most direct and effective way to feel secure, confident, and empowered is to make yourself unique and irreplaceable.
In this day and age, do you still think having love guarantees a stable marriage? Do you still expect a marriage certificate to hold onto a person?
Whether it’s pure love or a marriage certificate, neither is a guarantee for a relationship or marriage. Because they can change anytime.
You think you’re madly in love now, but will you really love them forever? Do you think all those couples who have stayed together for decades rely solely on pure love?
Love is no longer the only bond in relationships, not just in marriage.
To maintain a long-lasting and strong relationship, you need more than love. You need enough cooperation and mutual reliance, which means value dependence.
Many people haven’t figured this out, which leads to these confusions:
“I love him so much, I’m so good to him, I give so much, why would he leave?” Because he doesn’t think what you give him is rare. He thinks he’s charming enough to get another woman to be just as good to him.
“I’m so good, why doesn’t he cherish me?” He might choose you for your good qualities, but a long-term relationship needs more than love. It depends on whether your qualities can continue to meet his changing needs.
“We’re so deeply in love, how could he give up?” Love can fade or even disappear. It’s not about morality. Anyone can fall deeply in love with someone else in the future.
“I’m better than him in every way, I don’t even mind his flaws, why is he so ungrateful?” A relationship isn’t a talent competition. If you can’t meet his needs, being excellent won’t help. It might even become a burden. Besides, there’s no such thing as the strongest person. Who can guarantee he won’t find someone better than you?
In other words, being good to him, making sacrifices for him, having a foundation of love, and being well-off… these are just basic conditions or bonus points for building a relationship. They aren’t enough to make someone stay with you forever. If you do all this, you can only guarantee that if he leaves one day, it’s not your fault.
To maintain a long-term relationship, you must be irreplaceable, meaning unique. You need to have something he needs or particularly likes, something he can’t find from anyone else with his abilities.
So, how can you be irreplaceable?
You can approach it from two angles: either have rare conditions or value, or make sacrifices that others can’t.
What does having rare conditions or value mean?
For example: He loves children so much that he’s willing to sacrifice his life for them. And the children are very attached to you. He thinks if you separate, the children won’t be happy, or he won’t be able to spend time with them anymore. Your identity as the biological mother or father is irreplaceable. Many marriages that are on the verge of breaking up continue for this reason. Some get divorced after the children grow up. Some grow old and their relationship softens, and they live together until they grow old.
Another example: Your parents are incredibly rich and powerful, and he values that most of all. With his abilities, he can’t find anyone with a family more powerful than yours.
Or: He’s a foodie, and you’re the best cook he’s ever found.
Or: He’s a big fan of appearances, and you’re the best-looking person he’s ever found.
What does making sacrifices that others can’t mean?
For example: You not only work and earn money, but you also handle all the housework, give birth and raise children, even take care of his parents, without any complaints. He doesn’t have to worry about anything.
I can’t even finish writing this. It’s so unfair. What kind of god is he that he deserves all this?
So, being completely selfless is too difficult. I think it’s better to focus on the first point. Try to make yourself have some rare value.
Don’t think your sacrifices are special, because others can do the same.
Conversely, don’t think of him as too special. He’s not necessarily irreplaceable to you.
You miss his past care and companionship, you miss the sweetness of the past. But you also need to realize that others can give you these things. Giving you care and companionship isn’t inherently irreplaceable. Therefore, he’s not the only one.
When Li Ka-shing was about to turn 90, he announced his retirement, saying he was going to travel. A few days later, he was seen holding hands with Zhou Kaixuan, who is over 30 years younger than him, while shopping.
Zhou Kaixuan, who is almost 60, is the second largest shareholder of TOM Group, founder of the Zhou Kaixuan Foundation, and a director of the Li Ka-shing Foundation. She was once named one of the “Top 10 Businesswomen in Asia.”
After she became famous for creating Beijing’s Oriental Plaza, she declined some business invitations and focused on charity. She founded a foundation, built schools, funded underprivileged students, and adopted giant pandas. She has enough money to spend for ten lifetimes, but she lives a simple life.
She once said: “In relationships between men and women, the most reliable feeling is whether you are my most irreplaceable friend. You fear nothing, which makes the other person long for you.”
And she is that “most irreplaceable friend” to Li Ka-shing.
As she famously said: “To become an excellent person, you should be as smart as a fox and as innocent as a dove.”
May we all strive to be smart as a fox and innocent as a dove in our relationships!
