Facing Betrayal in Relationships, Communication is Actually Ineffective
If you experience betrayal in a relationship and seek advice from counselors who only understand theories, they will likely analyze that betrayal is a result of communication issues between spouses. They will suggest that you should just communicate with your partner, and as long as both of you can communicate well, everything will be fine.
However, when you try to communicate with your partner, they either ignore you or continue to deceive you, making communication futile. Eventually, you might even start doubting your own communication abilities.
Betrayal actually causes limited harm. However, if the response to betrayal is inappropriate, it can lead to secondary, infinite harm. Today, we are discussing the topic of “communication”. Yes, communication helps enhance relationships, but not all betrayals are due to communication problems, and not all betrayals can be resolved through communication.
First and foremost, having evidence is crucial before communication. Many people face the dilemma of perceiving betrayal without concrete evidence. Hinting at the betrayal indirectly is basically useless. When a person chooses to betray their partner, it indicates that their mindset has already overcome the barrier, and indirect hints will not alert them.
Therefore, after the indirect hints, almost all betrayers continue their actions, but they become more discreet due to your hints. You become increasingly certain of the betrayal, but your partner becomes more evasive, leading to a situation where genuine communication becomes impossible.
The lack of evidence makes dialogue impossible. When you accuse them of betrayal, they simply respond with “no evidence,” leaving you unable to communicate further. This inability to address the issue makes it difficult for you to make a choice. Should you divorce? Will things get better if you don’t? Consequently, life becomes unbearable.
This highlights the importance of evidence. Its primary role is not to protect your interests, but to leave the other party with no room for excuses. This way, based on the fact of betrayal, you can discuss the next steps, such as whether to break up or forgive.
Furthermore, communication after betrayal is often ineffective, even with solid evidence. In reality, when one party betrays the other, effective communication becomes extremely challenging. Therefore, the idea of good communication after betrayal is merely an idealistic assumption.
Why is communication ineffective after betrayal? Let’s reverse the question: What are you trying to communicate? Are you trying to discuss if they were wrong? If they believe they were wrong, they wouldn’t have betrayed the relationship. If they chose to betray, it indicates that they don’t think they are wrong, or even if they are, they are willing to do so.
Therefore, this form of communication is essentially ineffective. Attempts to appeal to emotions and reason, or to explain that the third party is there to destroy the family, are all futile. When someone chooses to betray a relationship, their actions bluntly convey that they do not value the past emotions and are not willing to listen to reason.
Before directly confronting the betrayal through communication, the betrayer might pretend as long as they think you are unaware. However, once the truth is revealed, many betrayers become even more indifferent. This worsens the situation and causes more distress.
Therefore, those who attempt to communicate with the betrayer after facing betrayal often receive responses like: “This is who I am. Take it or leave it. If you can’t handle it, then get a divorce.” This indifference from the betrayer leaves the betrayed party in a state of dilemma, struggling with the decision to divorce or not, and both options lead to pain.
Hence, so-called communication is not an effective way to deal with betrayal. So, what is the right approach?
Let’s assume that the betrayer does not resort to excuses and admits to the betrayal. At this point, it’s not about communication, but about giving an ultimatum: “If you don’t end it, I will definitely choose to divorce.”
Under this ultimatum, the betrayer needs to make a choice. The result is either to end the betrayal or choose divorce. If they choose to end the betrayal, there is no need for further communication because they have genuinely returned. Conversely, if they choose not to end the betrayal, the decision falls on you—to divorce or tolerate their betrayal.
Dealing with betrayal in a relationship is a process where, after knowing about the betrayal, the first step is to decide whether to continue the marriage or whether to accept the person who has betrayed you. If you choose not to continue, you can opt for a divorce at this point.
If you still want the marriage, the second step is to talk to the betrayer, but this conversation should clearly outline your bottom line and attitude, as mentioned earlier. The ultimatum is a show of strength, not a plea. Whether to end the betrayal is their choice, but if they don’t end it, you also have a choice.
Many people fail to handle this stage well. Their ultimatums are just empty threats, which the betrayer ignores, and they don’t actually intend to divorce.
After the ultimatum, if the betrayer decides to return to the marriage, the next step is for both parties to work on repairing the relationship. Only then does genuine communication come into play. However, if the betrayer continues to be indifferent after the ultimatum, you are left with the decision of whether to divorce or not.
If you choose divorce, the problem of betrayal is resolved. If you choose not to divorce, you must accept the ongoing betrayal. The solution is not complicated.
After understanding all this, you might realize that the fundamental way to deal with betrayal is not to fear divorce. Only by not fearing divorce can you redeem yourself. If you fear divorce, you will often allow the betrayer to act recklessly.
