Encountering Infidelity, the Most Perplexing Issue

When a marriage encounters infidelity, a series of problems arise, each one trapping you. This complexity in dealing with and handling the affair is beyond the capability of most people.

For the betrayed party, the four most concerning and difficult questions are:

First, Does he still love me? Does he still have feelings for me?

The answer to this question is, there is still some love and feelings. However, you must understand that:

1. These feelings have been damaged and diminished. If your previous love was 100, it might now be 80, 60, or 20. It’s hard to quantify the loss or how much remains, but there is still something. After spending so many years together, it’s impossible to have no feelings at all. Of course, as the relationship progresses, these feelings may slowly repair, but they could also completely disappear.
2. These feelings now have flaws or blemishes. Even if the love can be restored to 100, it will still be a love with cracks, like a broken mirror that, no matter how well it’s put back together, still has those cracks. It depends on whether you can accept that.
3. The betrayer usually tries to instill the concept that there are no longer any feelings between the two of you.

Second, Should I continue to trust him?

This question pertains to those who want to salvage the marriage after an affair.

The answer is quite simple: you cannot trust him.

Trust cannot be obtained simply by saying it. If there was no affair and he said he was working late, you wouldn’t doubt him. But after the affair, even if he is truly working late, you will have doubts.

So, it’s not a matter of whether you can trust him, but rather, you simply cannot trust him.

If you want to repair the relationship, your only choice is to control your suspicions and then give it time to see his actions. He will have to put in a lot of effort to regain your trust.

Third, Will there be a next time?

In theory, there will be, because it has already happened. For someone who has had an affair before, do you think they are more likely to do it again or more likely to never repeat it? If you had to bet, which would you choose?

This question also applies only to those who want the marriage to continue. So, how should you deal with this question?

Prepare yourself for what to do if there is a next time.

If you are prepared, the feeling of unease will diminish because you have a plan and a way to cope. The biggest fear for people is actually uncertainty. Of course, if you feel you cannot bear it if it happens again, then leaving him is the only way to protect yourself.

Fourth, Should I continue or get a divorce?

This is the most confusing and practical question for many people.

How to choose after an affair in a marriage is completely individual. The same situation on different people may yield different results. So, there is no right or wrong in how you choose—continue if you want to continue, get a divorce if you want to get a divorce.

The key to solving this question is to identify what you care about the most and what you cannot accept the most. Once you find and determine these two things, the question will become clearer.

If you really don’t know how to choose, the safest way is to set a deadline, try to salvage the marriage and the relationship. If there is no improvement by the deadline, then choose to get a divorce.

The fundamental reason why this issue cannot be resolved is the constant back and forth between wanting to make it work today and wanting to divorce tomorrow.

Also, learn to make choices, learn to let go. Either give up the perfectionism of marriage and continue, or give up the reluctance to divorce and find liberation. A wavering personality will never solve the problem.