Don’t Let Your Partner Guess, Men Fear
As a woman, I agree with a saying: in love, women are naturally skilled at sending mixed signals. They think one thing but say another, and sometimes even say the opposite. Men sigh and say, “A woman’s heart is like a bottomless pit!”
But I disagree with women using this as a way to control love: “The highest level of love is when you understand my mixed signals.”
Indeed, two people who truly love each other, after getting through some rough patches, can reach a level of soulful communication. When a woman occasionally sends mixed signals, a man can correctly understand her hidden feelings. From this perspective, there’s nothing wrong with that statement.
However, if this statement is used to demand from men in real life: “If you love me, you must be able to guess my thoughts, otherwise you don’t love me enough.” That’s a bit domineering.
1. Men are naturally bad at guessing
Remember the beginning of “Gone with the Wind,” Scarlett was chatting with the Tarleton twins at Tara plantation. When the brothers inadvertently mentioned that Ashley was about to announce his engagement, Scarlett’s mood suddenly plummeted, leaving the brothers puzzled. Here’s a snippet of their conversation on the way home:
- “What’s wrong with her?”
- “I don’t know. Did we say anything to upset her?”
- “I can’t think of anything. Besides, when Scarlett is angry, everyone knows. She doesn’t keep things inside like some other girls.”
- “Yeah, that’s what I like about her. When she’s mad, she doesn’t give you the cold shoulder. She’ll tell you straight out…”
Pay attention to the bold part, it expresses the feelings of most men.
Men are most afraid when a woman says, “I’m fine,” but her attitude is as cold as ice. Since they don’t know what the problem is, they can’t possibly make amends.
When men don’t understand women, women get even angrier: “Hmph, you don’t love me at all, you don’t even know what I’m thinking.” Once it escalates to the question of love, women have to grit their teeth and not let him off easily.
So, what do men do?
Men who are especially doting and accommodating, apologize without hesitation: “I was wrong, it’s all my fault.” When asked where they went wrong, they can’t answer. Thus, they are accused of “not taking it seriously.”
Those with a bit of character and value equality simply turn and leave. “Go ahead and be angry, I asked, but if you won’t tell me, there’s nothing I can do.”
None of these scenarios are what women hope to see.
2. No one should be a mind reader
What exactly do women want? They want men to be mind readers at all times.
But is this realistic? Let alone the significant inherent differences in thinking between men and women, even a mother, who is also a woman and has watched you grow up, cannot meet such a high-demand requirement.
In this world, every individual is independent. Demanding another independent individual to understand you, interpret every subtle expression, just like you do, is it not unrealistic? Is it not self-centered? Is it not a failure to understand others first? Why should others understand you when you don’t understand them?
Enough preaching, let’s give an example:
When I was young, like all women, I enjoyed playing the guessing game in relationships. Once, my boyfriend and I finally met on a weekend to go shopping and have dinner. But halfway through dinner, my boyfriend received a work call, saying there was an issue he needed to handle.
Naturally, he asked for my opinion, but I understood that it was just a disguised notification. Could I say no? With disappointment and anger welling up inside, I pretended everything was fine, and encouraged him to go back to work.
Seeing no sign of unhappiness from me, my boyfriend was very happy and even forgot to say something comforting. He hurried to leave. Since his place wasn’t far from mine, he wanted to drop me off first. With nowhere to vent my frustration, I took the opportunity to show my jealousy about his work: “It’s fine, I have legs, your work is more important anyway, why bother about me?!”
After saying that, I stormed out. It was intentional, wanting to make him worry, to punish him, to alleviate my negative emotions.
Looking back on such experiences years later, I realized how foolish and unreasonable my young self was. But it wasn’t intentional, so criticizing it would be unfair.
3. Please express your unhappiness honestly
The reason we are different from lower animals is that we can control our behavior with our brains. Instinct and nature are not excuses for not growing. Behavior that benefits no one, including ourselves, should be changed.
For example, in the previous scenario, feeling upset about the sudden call is normal. Why hide it? Suppressing negative emotions won’t make them disappear.
If it were now, I would definitely express my disappointment and discomfort truthfully. I would change my expression, pout as much as I want, and even cry out of disappointment. After all, the person in front of you is your most trusted loved one, shouldn’t you show your true feelings?
Then, naturally, my boyfriend would offer comfort, even promise to meet again soon. As long as he cares about you, he will try his best to help you calm down. Of course, here’s a reminder for men: the most important thing at this point is to address the emotional issue, never lecture her. She understands the logic, what she needs to address is the negative emotion caused by respecting the logic but having to compromise herself.
After comforting from my boyfriend, my low spirits would be somewhat relieved. Since he had to leave, why not be a bit more gracious? I would wipe my tears, show understanding, and tell him to focus on work but not to overexert himself. As I said this, I would still look reluctant, maybe even with teary eyes, appearing pitiful.
Don’t criticize this as a tactic, it’s just expressing your true feelings.
This way, my boyfriend would feel my deep affection for him and see my understanding nature. Though I lost the joy of our date, I gained extra points in his heart. It’s better than leaving on bad terms.
Women, if you truly can act saintly, completely understanding and reasonable, fine, as long as your actions match your words, there’s no problem with whatever you do. Everyone has the right to choose their own way of life.
But if you only superficially pretend to be understanding and reasonable, can’t actually do it, are conflicted inside, and constantly switch between real and fake, making everyone uncomfortable, why bother?
What do you think?
